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Wrap
Text File
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1995-10-19
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12KB
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290 lines
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
payday. Stop wetting your bed.
%
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
able to lend you a few bucks.
%
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
and over again. People think you are stupid.
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
not very nice.
%
Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
when you're poor and unhappy.
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
recipients are Cancer people.
%
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
%
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
%
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
in it today, either.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
committing incest.
%
I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
-- Salvador Dali
%
LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
%
LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
%
LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
%
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
of bed today.
%
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women
are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal disease.
%
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
get run over by a bus.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
small animals.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. It
will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the job
you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have a car.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
obnoxious self. Call your mother.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
laugh at you a great deal.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
%
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov 21.)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
%
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
to throw up. Knock it off.
%
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
to win. You never learn.
%
TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
%
TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
%
TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
headed. You are a Communist.
%
Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
Silly Putty.
-- Dennis Rawlins
%
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22)
Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and
assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People
will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose.
%
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
that old underwear you own.
%
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus
drivers.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
by Miss Fortune
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take
beer! Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and
remember, in California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and
your bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive
when other discover your good qualities without your help.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
by Miss Fortune
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep
soundly" and you will live all the days of your life.
TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet
simply miss two car payments.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your
hand at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that
opens. Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your
partner until you meet in court.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
by Miss Fortune
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel you
owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're
going to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)
You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they
have in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know
where to shop.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to
five job is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel
the need for a career change. Just remember, people who work sitting
down get paid more than people who work standing up.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
by Miss Fortune
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and
watch TV. Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to
clean up your act. But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at
least one step forward.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought
of food out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists
of placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your
enemies accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to
be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not.
%